Died

Once more, my heart feels lifeless, and I find myself isolated like an uninhabited island without any vessel docking at its shore. Recently, a delivery man bestowed me with a gift - a donut. It was a gesture of kindness from a stranger who witnessed my tears and sensed the intense anguish concealed within me. In a split second, I descended into a dark emotional state, shedding tears uncontrollably and without prior warning.

I find myself grappling with numerous things that elude my comprehension, and I’m unable to reconcile with them, nor can I make peace with myself. I feel estranged from my social circle and plan to distance myself from everyone except for a select few whom I can remain in contact with. These individuals don’t hold any fondness towards me, and despite the passage of time, I lack the courage to reciprocate those feelings. Yet, being a stranger would also inflict pain upon me. I long for an opportunity to make a wish that would cause me to vanish, eradicating this perpetual suffering and granting me eternal freedom.

Even when I begin to feel better, reality hits me hard, revealing that my situation hasn’t improved much. I feel like a drowning individual, constantly grasping for any glimmer of hope. I eagerly anticipate my appointments with the doctor, as their optimistic demeanor serves as a reminder that life can indeed be full of positivity. I’m uncertain about my strengths and talents. Frankly, I would rather dedicate my time to serving those who are in need, as it feels like a waste for it to be squandered on me. I feel ashamed that despite having read numerous works of classic literature, poetry, and philosophy, I haven’t gained much insight into life, the value of time, or society. I remain mediocre and lacking in competence, despite the knowledge I’ve acquired.

Despite being surrounded by kind and remarkable individuals who possess various strengths that could support me, I still find myself feeling lonely and vulnerable. Unfortunately, their support hasn’t been enough to bolster my heart, and I often feel a sense of hopelessness when it comes to life. I’m aware that the reason behind my lack of enthusiasm and passion is due to the absence of an inner flame. I feel like I’m slowly withering away, and at times, I even find myself willing to perish.

I have an intense dislike for myself.